Healthy egoism: improving mental health

Imagine that your colleague always applies for vacation without discussing it with you first along the lines of “first come, first served”. Or you can help your friend move house, look after his dog and support him when he's heartbroken. But he doesn't have time when you need help painting the living room. The verdict is clear: Pure selfishness! What on earth is positive or even healthy about that?

Studies show that egotistical behaviour has been on the rise in the last few decades. Egoism is not a clinical term, it describes a disparity between give and take. The Cambridge English dictionary describes egotism as thinking only about yourself: An egoist is only interested in how they can get ahead, with no regard for the needs of others. Solidarity and empathy are not words in an egoist’s vocabulary.

‘Real’ egoism is not something to aspire to. ​ But the opposite is also not desirable. Someone who always acts selflessly, always says yes when they mean no, and always puts the needs of others before their own to avoid disappointing anyone – that’s not healthy. In her book “Eigensinn” (Headstrong), psychologist Ursula Nuber advocates a life where you don’t arrange yourself around the wishes of others. Your own life must be meaningful and right for you. A headstrong person protects their rights and interests, without hurting the feelings of others.

Nuber is convinced that stubbornness or, in other words, a "healthy egoism" is an important key to mental health: "Stubborn (...) rarely ask themselves worrying questions like: What do others think about me? (...) (...) they have found contentment within themselves, their spiritual immune system remains intact”. People who are not able to distance themselves from others and are always very committed are in danger of burning out. The same is true for people who constantly compare themselves to others, take on too much, don’t set any boundaries and are always driven by a sense of duty. There are many studies that have proven this.

The motto “faster, higher, further” is still celebrated today. According to the Job Stress Index 2020, only one quarter of those surveyed feel like they cope well with any work-related stress – the rest are just about able to, or are already struggling. “This outlook of being good to yourself has more to do with wellness than welfare”, writes psychotherapist Felizitas Ambauen in an article in the Tagesanzeiger. ​

Felizitas Ambauen does however warn about not taking care of yourself. “Not taking care of your own needs will make you ill sooner or later. And it won’t just affect you, it will affect your relationships too. We can only be there for others if we first look after ourselves. Like the oxygen masks in an aeroplane.” It’s simple really: You can only take care of others, such as your children, family, friends and colleagues, if you have enough energy.

But you have to learn to say no. Or simply: to be a little more selfish. No to having a coffee with your neighbour, because you don’t feel like it right now. No to cleaning the windows, even if your home doesn’t look perfect. No to after-work drinks, even if your workmates insist. 

Standing your ground and saying no sometimes is not always easy. How can you say no without causing upset?